For most single adults, there has been a history of dating one person, seeing if it will lead to a  significant relationship, and then taking it as far as possible. If it ends, the cycle repeats. While there is certainly nothing wrong with trying to create a close relationship with one person, in our view this approach falls short in several respects.

First of all, the purpose of dating is to have fun; explore how emotionally and physically safe it is to be with your partner, learn as much as you can about this person, and ultimately discover if you are compatible for a long-term relationship (if that is your intention). In keeping with the purpose of dating, we advocate a conservative, defensive posture since it is our experience that there are many more people that don’t know how to date in a healthy manner than those that do. It is dangerous and risky to place yourself in a vulnerable situation until you really know who you are with.

Secondly, if you are coming out of a lonely period, it is more difficult to be objective about your new dating partner. It’s hard enough to keep your wits about you if you experience some degree of falling in love or become infatuated with this person. When that is coupled with not having been with someone for a while, it is an extremely potent combination that can quickly escalate into a full-blown intense relationship, often before you really know who you are dating.

The two best ways to de-intensify a new relationship are not seeing the person (or even having phone, text or email contact) every day, and dating other people. When you date only one person, you have nobody to compare that person to. You will tend to project all of your romantic fantasies (and other unfinished business) onto this person that you barely know. By dating other people at the same time, you give yourself a built-in reality check to insure that you see things a bit more clearly.

“Fine”, people say, “but how do you tell someone that you’re dating other people?” The answer is easy: be honest. Remember, you want to learn as much as possible about this person. Their reaction to your telling them you are seeing someone else will reveal some valuable things about their personality and maturity. 

There are three general rules of thumb for dating more than one person:

• Be upfront and honest. Tell them right away so there are no surprises later.
• If you initiate a physical relationship with someone, let your other partners know and ask if they are ok with it.
• If you become very romantically close and attached to one person, decide if it’s time to date exclusively.

There is nothing wrong with experimenting with several partners as long as you are careful and open about your intentions. Just because you don’t feel a connection with someone doesn’t mean they don’t feel one with you. Juggling can be fun, but also dangerous where feelings are involved.

Dating more than one person is a great way to de-intensify the beginning of a relationship, to learn more about each person you are dating, and to truly assess the health of each dating experience by having a clear basis for comparison. Remember, it’s your heart which is ultimately at stake. Choose wisely.

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